CTRL WAS SZA’S debut studio album which, despite being released in 2017, is still actively played and listened to by many. it has a timeless quality to it, perhaps because of the way it resonated with so many people. it displays insecurity and weakness from the perspective of a black woman, a showcase of vulnerability we often don’t have the liberty of presenting.
our society, as a whole, has failed to protect and value black women. our intersectional identities have subjected us to experiencing both sexism and racism (otherwise known as misogynoir), not to mention the harmful stereotypes pushed onto us from a young age. we’re not seen as desirable, but are hypersexualised. our femininity is questioned. beauty standards do not include or represent us. on top of it all, we’re expected to uphold the ‘strong black woman’ narrative because that’s how people perceive us. not only do we struggle with being vulnerable — for fear we’ll look even weaker due to what’s expected of us — but our pain isn’t taken seriously. when we get frustrated and upset, we’re labelled as ‘angry’ and ‘aggressive’. it’s like we’re not allowed to hurt; like we’re expected to suppress our emotions and our humanity to fit the image created for us.
this is what made ‘ctrl’ so important to me. sza vocalised emotions i had experienced but had never had the opportunity to show. her words were raw, unapologetic and sincere. she explores her relationships with both herself and others, her issues with self worth, her dependency and need for validation… sza channelled our previously suppressed feelings and released them through song, sweet and melancholy, just like ‘doves in the wind’.
TRACK 1: SUPERMODEL
‘leave me lonely for prettier women
you know i need too much attention for shit like that
you know you wrong for shit like that
i could be your supermodel if you believe
if you see it in me, see it in me, see it in me
i don’t see myself
why i can’t stay alone just by myself?
wish i was comfortable just with myself
but i need you, but i need you, but i need you’
‘supermodel’ is angry, upset and desperate; a jab at a former flame, and simultaneously a plea for attention. sza recognises she deserves better, that she deserves a relationship where she is valued and cherished, yet she hangs onto this person despite their toxicity for fear of being alone. she needs someone to depend on, someone to make her feel pretty so much so that she’ll take what she can get, even if they take advantage of her desperation and wrong her. ‘i could be beautiful if you’d let me’; ‘supermodel’ sets the tone for the rest of the album, raw in emotion and a complete exposure of her character and her experiences, with all the good, the bad and the ugly.
TRACK 4: DREW BARRYMORE
‘i get so lonely, i forget what i’m worth
we get so lonely, we pretend that this works
i’m so ashamed of myself, think i need therapy
i’m sorry i’m not more attractive
i’m sorry i’m not more ladylike
i’m sorry i don’t shave my legs at night…’
one of my favourite tracks on the album, ‘drew barrymore’ is sza questioning her self-worth. she discusses her insecurities and her low self-esteem, and why she feels compelled to pursue relationships, no matter how unhealthy. she apologises and blames herself for things outside of her control, even ideas that are completely subjective, such as ‘attractiveness’ and ‘femininity’. it also makes sense to mention this since black women have had to deal with eurocentric and whitewashed beauty ideals that exclude us, leading to us being perceived as ‘unattractive’ in comparison to other women, even if those same ideals have stemmed from us. ‘drew barrymore’ echoes the sentiments of a lot of black women as a result: of feeling like you’re not good enough, of constantly questioning whether a love interest is genuine, of wondering whether you’re even deserving of love in the first place.
TRACK 8: GARDEN (SAY IT LIKE DAT)
‘open your heart up
hoping i’ll never find out that you’re anyone else
’cause i love you just how you are
and hope you never find out who i really am
’cause you’ll never love me, you’ll never love me
you’ll never love me but, i believe you when you say it like that
oh, do you mean it when you say it like that?
oh, i believe you when you say it like that
you must really love me.’
in ‘garden’ sza allows herself to want, to be needy and soft and vulnerable with her partner who seems to value her more than her past lovers. even so, she still finds herself questioning the authenticity of this love. will they be like everyone else? is there an ulterior motive here? and even if it’s real, she fears that if she completely reveals herself to them and presents her true character, there’s no way they could love her. her need for constant consolation and reassurance from her partner, her disbelief that anyone could really love her in all her glory is saddening, but the feeling of many. listening to ‘garden’ makes one thing apparent: black women should be able to experience love that isn’t suffering. that we should be allowed to be soft and sensitive, to be ourselves and still be loved. we shouldn’t have to settle for anything less.
TRACK 10: ANYTHING
‘do you know i’m alive?
do you even know?’
the part of ‘anything’ that really stuck with me was the repeating question, ‘do you even know i’m alive?’ the subject of this song, sza feels, is failing to acknowledge her as a person. the question implicates a lack of care for her and her wellbeing, kind of like ‘do you even care enough to know whether i’ve died? do i matter to you at all?’ this can be taken literally, but could also refer to how she feels. it’s as if this person doesn’t even regard her existence or sees it as something trivial to them. the question acts as an appeal to them to just perceive her for a moment, to care about her, to look deeper than what’s on the surface and love her for it.
TRACK 14: 20 SOMETHING
‘how could it be?
20 something, all alone still
not a thing in my name
ain’t got nothin’, runnin’ from love
only know fear
that’s me, ms. 20 Something
ain’t got nothin’, runnin’ from love
wish you were here…’
a song that writes like an existential crisis, ‘20 something’ is sza confiding in with us her fears and anxieties of an unclear future. the uncertainty of the trajectory her life is gonna take next makes her dread the passing of time. what’s more is that she feels like she has nothing going for her. it’s a state of mind a lot of people in their 20s go through, this feeling of being unaccomplished and scared. she once again requests consolation, some kind of reassurance that’ll everything will work out in the end.
‘ctrl’ is the vessel sza uses to spill her soul for everyone to see, and she acts as a vessel for her listeners who find it difficult to do the same. for me, ‘ctrl’ felt like validation. it felt like a sanctuary where i was allowed to be weak. to hurt and to cry. to allow myself to feel all these emotions that i haven’t had the mercy of embracing before. ‘ctrl’ felt ultimately like freedom, like a rejection of the stereotypes that had been pushed onto me my entire life.
being a black woman shouldn’t mean you have to give up your humanity. you are more than what they attribute to you. allow yourself to feel it all, and never be apologetic for it. allow yourself to love. allow yourself to hurt. you’re entitled to your existence too.
